Finding the gain in disappointment

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the podcast. So this episode, I wanted to really dive deep into how to build a deeper relationship with yourself through difficult circumstances. So I am going to just go and dive right in. Before I start, I just wanted to apologize if the sound is a bit off, because I'm recording this from America on my Mac book and it's not my usual podcast mic, so I'm sure you'll be able to hear me clearly because I have tested it out, but apologies if the sound quality isn't as good as it usually is, but I'm sure I can still get the message across.

So. Let's start off with the story. In the next series of podcasts, I wanted to talk about relationships because when this actually releases, it will be February. And what I decided was that in February, I wanted to have a theme of relationships because February reminds me of relationships.So that's what we will focus on this month.

Things kind of changed a little bit because the podcast episode that I had planned, I wasn't able to record yet, and you will understand why as you listen to this.

So as some of you may know, I was really excited because in November I booked my first business trip and this was a really big deal for me because I have been a coach for probably a year and a half now. I think I've been a coach all my life, really, but I hadn't actually practiced as a coach. And in November I made that decision of actually traveling in person to my coach's mastermind. So I have a business coach, she's amazing, and I've been working with her for quite a while.

And the last time that I was in this mastermind, it's a six month mastermind. It was August when we started. And I attended virtually that time because I was worried about the COVID scares and I didn't want to travel in that. Because that mastermind was in Mexico. And at that point, Mexico was on, I think the red list from the UK.

So it was quite difficult for us to travel. And so this time I was like, Ooh, okay. I am going to travel because it's going to be in America. It's going to be in Louisville. And I would really like to travel. The reason being is because it was going to be the first time that I'd met with all of my coach colleagues.

And I'd been working with them on zoom for the last six months. So I thought it would be amazing to actually go in person and meet them. And I was also really excited to go because I was receiving an award from my coach this time. And it was a really proud moment for me. A lot of the time, as south Asian women, we get taught that it is not something that you celebrate when you've done something well, you don't really celebrate yourselves enough and you should be humble. You don't need to tell anyone about your achievements. And there was definitely some of that for me as well. So I was very quick in my brain to be like, You don't need to celebrate this. It's okay. You can just receive your award in the post.

It's fine. And then I was like to myself, I caught my brain and I said, no, I really do want to celebrate this. And it would be really important for me to go in person. Another thing was that I was due to present at my coach's mastermind. And this is a huge honor. I've never been asked to present before I was going to be presenting on a panel.

And it was only a few select coaches who'd been asked and I was so honored to be asked. And I was like, oh my gosh, hell yes, of course I would really love to do that. So basically. This was kind of like a lot going on. And I was really excited, but I was trying not to get too excited at the beginning because I had to wait for my pre-travel COVID test.

So I'd sorted everything out with Rick we'd sorted out childcare the kids were going to be with Rick a lot at the time. And then, my parents were helping out with childcare. My in-laws were helping out, so it was like really nice because everything was sorted. And so I was waiting on my pre-travel COVID test.

And then when it was negative, I was like, yes, I can finally feel the positive emotion of going there. Now I could have felt the positive emotion previously, but my brain was like, don't get too excited, too early. It might be positive. And then you're going to have to stay here. I had been self isolating more or less at home for the two weeks prior to flying, because I didn't want to catch COVID or anything like that, but my kids were going to school, so I was like, okay, well, you know, that's a risk that I'm willing to take, So I got to the airport, I was wearing my mask the whole time. I was really, really careful, even on the plane. The only time I took my mask off was to quickly have something to eat or drink, and then I quickly put it back on.

And so I got to Louisville. It was a long flight. I have to change flights and everything. And I was really extra with everything. No one else was wearing their masks and stuff, but I was like, really like, no, I do not want to catch COVID while I'm here. I really want to be able to take part in the mastermind and yeah, this is what I'm here for.

So I'm going to be really safe. And obviously the doctor in me, I was like, it doesn't matter if anyone else is wearing it or not. I'm going to stick by what I think. And so I was wearing my mask the whole time. Yeah. So I checked in and the first day was like a welcome reception. So this is where I got to meet some of the other coaches.

And before any event that we had planned, so it was a four day event. And before any event, we had to get a COVID test done before we could enter the room and we have to show them the evidence of the negative test before we could enter the room. I thought this was really excellent because I thought at least everyone's being as safe as possible.

So I went and I got my COVID tests done and it was negative. And so that evening I was able to spend some time with my coach colleagues. And it was really amazing. I was wearing my mask the whole time. I didn't even take it off to eat because I wasn't aware that there was dinner there. So I'd already eaten in my room before the event.

And so the whole time I had my mask on and I was liaising with my colleagues and things like that. And it was actually quite fun. I was really sleep deprived though, because I was jet lagged basically because of the time difference and things like that. So I tried to go to sleep, but didn't really sleep too well, but that was fine.

I woke up on Wednesday morning and it was the first day that I was going to be meeting my coach in person. I was so excited and I was going down for my test and I was waiting for the test result. And then the staff took me to one side and they said to me, you've tested positive for Covid. And I was shocked. I was just so shocked.

I just started crying. I just cried. And I cried. And they said, because this was a rapid test, we need to do a PCR. And that's going to take half an hour. And I was just like, oh wait, what do I do? Like, because obviously I'm in the hotel. The conference has already started downstairs in the room that it was in.

And luckily I had my, laptop with me so I just tried to join virtually, and for the whole time I was just crying and I was just praying that it was actually going to be negative and it was just a false positive on the rapid test and that I would be able to attend. And I was just praying and praying and I was just crying and crying.

And the staff came in and said, It was positive on the PCR as well. You have coronavirus, I just cried and cried for ages. I was so sad mainly because I wasn't able to see my coach in person and that I'd come all the way to Louisville and I couldn't actually see her. She was the one person who had helped me so so much, and she didn't even know how much she helped me.

So I just wanted to tell her. You're so amazing. Thank you for all you do, and you've helped me and my clients more than you can ever know. And yeah, I guess I was sad about not being able to connect with my colleagues as well, because one of the main reasons why I wanted to go in person was because I could actually connect with all my coach colleagues.

And I heard people talk about the investment of the mastermind was actually made up by having those amazing conversations with the coach colleagues, even when the mastermind wasn't even on. So I was really excited about that and so that I was really disappointed about. Yeah, I was disappointed. I couldn't accept my, award in person.

And I was really sad that I couldn't present on the panel. Anyway. So most of the first day. I was on the phone to the airlines and the wait time was over two hours. And so I would try and call and I would be in the waiting queue and then it would just get cut off like an hour and a half after I'd been waiting.

And I tried the chats and the chats just kept getting disconnected as well. So here I was in a situation where I just kept having thoughts that kept making me feel disappointed. And actually I was feeling quite frustrated as well. And you know what? I kept wanting to overeat as well, because it was just feeling sorry for myself.

And the team, my coaches team was so sweet. They kept bringing up like things for me because, you know, they were like, let me just make sure she's okay. She's in a foreign country. Let me just make sure she's all right. So they kept bringing up things like cakes, biscuits, pastries, , all of this stuff I would not normally eat.

And honestly, there wasn't actually any other food here. So I kind of just ate it. And instead of just eating to fullness, I actually just went into survival mode and I ate all of it really, and it was really interesting because actually the food made me feel even worse. And by this time the symptoms had started as well.

So I was feeling awful, that I couldn't attend the conference in person, the food was actually making me feel even more unwell and that I had symptoms. So then there came a point where I was just a bit fed up of being the victim. It just felt really disempowering. And I was just like, listen, I can either accept that this is the situation that I'm in, or I can carry on being the victim and being the victim feels very disempowering.

So which one do I want to choose? So I decided that I was going to get what I came for. I was joining this mastermind because I wanted to up-level my brain so that I can serve my clients. So I decided that it's okay, that the disappointment comes up, that this is going to be a time where I really get to feel the disappointment and really get to become best friends with the disappointment.

And disappointment is an emotion that I normally struggle to feel. And let's just say over the last week that I've been here, it has become my best friend. I've really felt it. And I just learnt how to partner with myself, partner with my brain in a way that I was there for myself. I decided that the story I wanted to tell from this was not one of being the victim, but one of learning from this experience and using it to drive me forward. So I allowed myself to be kind to myself and allow myself to do what I needed to do. If I needed to eat the cakes and the chocolates and stuff, I did.

When I did have access to other foods that I could eat then I'll eat the food that I actually want, but up until then, it's okay. I didn't want to beat myself up for things that I didn't need to. I decided that I was going to work when I could and rest when I needed to, I decided that this experience was actually going to grow me even more than I thought it could.

And that I know I was coming in thinking I was going to gain one thing, but this experience was basically going to grow me 10 times faster than if I had actually attended the mastermind in person.

I decided to think that anything I gained would be even more spectacular because this happened. And I started looking at ways that it was actually better. It was really interesting because of this happening, so many people who I probably never would have even been able to talk to at the mastermind, they reached out to me and they were checking in on me. They were delivering food to me. They were bringing medicine to me. They were checking in on Facebook and things saying, are you okay? Do you need anything? They were just making sure I was okay. That was amazing. I did get to connect with my coach friends.

So just being virtual didn't mean that I couldn't, I could actually connect with all the virtual people as the in-person people, which is really fun. I was also able to really focus on the mastermind from my room. So I wasn't distracted by everything that was going on in the, in the actual room.

I was getting snacks brought to my door. One of the really important things for me was that I was unwell, but I wasn't infecting my family. It's such a blessing that I got this when I was here because I didn't infect my husband or my children or my parents or my in-laws. And that is the biggest blessing I can ever think of.

I was unwell and I didn't need to tend to my kids because they were being looked after in England. And most importantly, I had the tools of coaching to draw upon how I could actually look at this to be something that serves me rather than something that's happened to me. So this happened on the Wednesday.

So then the first day would be the Thursday that would count as the first day after the test and in the U S the guidelines were five days of self isolation. And unfortunately I was testing myself every day and I was actually still positive. And my airline said that I wasn't able to book a flight back until I had a negative test. So I've been basically buying tests and I've been testing myself every day. And yesterday evening on the Thursday, I had a negative test. So I booked my official test, which is where I actually get the report that I can show the airline.

And so I'm recording this just before I leave for the airport. And today I'm leaving, I'm going back to the UK and yes, it's five to seven days after I had expected to leave, but it's been the most amazing experience for me because in those days I realized that I was able to stay within the walls of my hotel room for so many days, without going out, even for some fresh air.

I was able to navigate getting a delivery from a foreign country, into my hotel room and actually having some foods that I like to eat. I was able to connect with so many of my coach colleagues and people from all over the world who were just checking in to see how I was. I was able to receive my award as if I was there.

And I was there virtually, but I dressed up as if I was there. I did my hair and makeup. And it was so lovely that my coaches team came in, actually gave me the award to my room before they'd given any of the awards out to anyone else. So I felt really blessed and I decided that I was going to look back on this event and be so damn proud of how I should.

And now looking back at it, I decided that this happened for me, this situation that seems so difficult and so awful to so many other people, it's actually one of those situations that made me so much stronger. It allowed me to think of, do I want to think of myself as the victim or do I want to think of myself as becoming stronger because of it.

While I was here in the US I listened to a book called the gap and the gain and it's by Dan Sullivan and it has just helped me really understand that is actually the way you choose to think about something that depends on whether you're in the gap or in the gain.The gap is when you're comparing yourself to other people or comparing yourself to an ideal, that just keeps moving further and further.

Like the horizon, when you keep walking toward the horizon, it keeps getting further and further and you never actually get to the horizon. So when you're in the gap, when you're in scarcity mentality, which is what I like to call it, that's when you are constantly not satisfied.

You're constantly beating yourself up. You're constantly not appreciating your success. Whereas when you're in the gain, what you're doing is you're looking at a different way of interpreting it. You're looking at whatever happened, how can I look at this as a gain? How can I compare myself to other people or this moving ideal, but to where I was previously, how can I compare myself to my beginning?

And that enables you to see that there's so many gains along the way, but it's just that we don't choose to look for those games. So if we choose to look for them, how different would our outlook be? And I listened to this audio book at the perfect time for me, because that's when I was able to realize that my gain was from this experience it was from being able to deal with this experience. It just made my feeling disappointment muscle 10 times bigger in one day in the week that I've been here, it's grown 10 fold. So when I'm able to function in this situation and grow from it, there is no reason why you can't think of a situation that's happened in your life where you think of it as you're the victim or something bad has happened to you.

It doesn't mean you can't feel those negative emotions. I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel them. I'm saying. How do you look at the situation in a different way that helps you to move forward? How can you interpret it in a way that actually helps you? And I urge you to look to do that because we can change the way we look at a situation.

And that will guide how we deal with this kind of situation in the future. When you're constantly in the gap, you're going to be creating more of a gap when you're constantly in scarcity in the, not enough, you're going to be creating more of the, not enough when you're in the gain, you're going to be creating more of the appreciation, the gratitude that being in the game.

So, that's why I urge you to do this week. I urge you to feel that emotion. Feel the emotion that this situation brings up for you maybe in the past and maybe something you're going through right now, but the way you tell the story about it, the way you look for the, for the gain in this situation is what's going to determine how you carry on dealing with this.

So why not move into the gain and practice being in the game rather than the gap. Okay. Lovely ladies. That was my episode for you today. And I will see you again next week. Take care. Bye-bye.