Sex and weight loss with Dr Sadaf Lodhi

Hello. Lovely ladies. I am so excited to bring you a recording of a recent Instagram live that I did with Dr. Sadaf Lodhi who is an OB GYN doctor. So an obstetrics and gynecology doctor in the U S and she is on a mission to help talk about. Issues in the female reproductive system. And she is the host of the Muslim sex podcast.

And we are talking about all things, natural pleasure, the similarities between weight loss and sex and how there is a stigma about both. And I think that you will really. Find this podcast helpful. So  enjoy.

Hi everyone. It's Dr. Sadaf and I'm going live today with, Dr. Amruti Choudhry who is a weight loss coach.

So I hope everyone is doing well. This Friday, it's a cold and windy Friday in New York. I hope the weather is a little bit better where you are. And, today we'll be talking about all things coaching. So it'll be a weight loss coaching and what that means. And then we'll go, we'll talk a little bit about, Sex coaching, but mainly it's just about coaching is what we're going to talk about and the different forms of it and what it actually means and what it is.

And a lot of times, what we talked about when we talk about coaching is just learning to kind of get out of your own way. what keeps you. In a certain say like a job, if you're not happy or, a relationship or whatever it is, or the things that motivate you and the things that hold you back.

So a coach is somebody that will, help you to, uh, get over those limitations and help you see what they are. So let's see here, doctor, I'm moving on hi. Good. How are you so good to see you. Good to see you too. I'm so honored to be here.

Thank you for calling me. I'm excited that you're here. So what's the weather like over an eight. Okay, so it is cold and we heard that there may be some like, snow storm or something in may when I, um, it's pretty cold and rainy, awful. Oh my gosh. I hate snow. I can't believe we're going to get so busy, hoping for it to kind of warm up.

Our house is like really cold in winter and really warm in suburbs. So we're looking for the forward to the warm a bit. Yeah, I bet. Gosh. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it's a, I was just saying that it's a, it's a cold and but at least it's not. But it's kind of cold here as well. So I'm waiting for those nice warmer days.

So tell me a little bit about, just so our listeners and Watchers know who you are and, tell us what got you motivated to do weight loss. Yeah. Okay. So I'm Dr. . I am a life and weight loss coach for south Asian women professionals. And I basically teach my clients how to lose weight permanently using my management.

So I was always a very high achiever and I like in my early days, realized. Okay. I need to motivate myself to kind of get through the stress of like school, medical school, things like that. So I relied on food a lot of the time. And in our south Asian culture, it's very common, right?

That you show love with food. My mum would very kindly bring me like a whole platter of things when I was revising, you know, that was just the norm in how I grew up. And, It was always like, I'd struggled with my weight. Like I always being up and down with my rate. And so then I was like, okay, I couldn't use the weight.

I couldn't like, you know, keep it off. And so many of your listeners probably like would, would experience the same thing. Then we would shame ourselves and be like, what's wrong with me? Like, I'm a doctor. I have figured all of this out in like other areas of my life. Why am I not succeeding at this?

So I tried all the diets under the sun and I would get down to Galway, like for an event, you know, like for my wedding and things, I've got down to my goal weight, but then I would always gain it back. So it was never sustained. I tried all the most extreme things, you know, and I always thought that I had to do extreme things to lose weight because it had been the thing that I had struggled with all my life.

And so after I gave birth to my second son, I was at my heaviest weight. So I had to be a, my of about, let's say I think 39 or so. And I'm really quite sure. One and a half, five, two. And, I was just like, I really want to do something about it this time. So I tried everything under the sun to guide, you know, the weight Watchers, slimming world, like intermittent fasting, low carb, intense exercise, the whole works basically.

And everything worked a little bit, but by the end of it, I was doing extreme things. Again, you know, one meal a day, low carb, intermittent fasting, intense exercise. And I wasn't losing any further weight. So I said, okay, What is going on here. I need to like find out what's going on. And I have like a medical degree and a psychology degree.

Like I'd always been interested in, mind management and the, you know, the mind that thinks. So I was like, let me listen to some podcasts. I'd been listening to them for awhile, but I still wasn't putting them into practice. So I said, I am going to sign up for coaching. What is the worst that can happen?

You know, I might lose a bit of money, but okay. Because I always went in with the mindset of, oh no, this isn't going to work because that's what I'd been carrying. From my past. Right, right. Well, it was just like, let me just give it a go. It was amazing. It changed my entire life. I was able to 42 kilos. Oh my gosh.

What 92 pounds. And I was able to. More importantly, I was able to heal that relationship with myself. And I know for some people that may sound really wishy-washy, but you know, when you have been like a perfectionist while you're alive, like being quite critical of yourself, that was really freeing to be like, oh, I don't actually need the food to make me feel better anymore.

I can actually learn how to feel my emotions and actually pay attention to my hunger and my address and an APO key basically. So yeah, that was just the beginning. And then I was like, oh my God. This is magic. How can I not tell the world about this? Coaching is amazing because not only helped with my weight loss, but it helped with all areas of my life.

Because as you know, when you apply the tools of coaching to one area of your life, it impacts everything. So I was much calmer as a mom. I was much better in my relationship with my husband. I wasn't expecting him to make me feel better. that belief in myself that I can do anything I put my mind to.

And I was like, okay, if this has helped me so much, I need to share this with the world. Especially south Asian women who are struggling and suffering, and this is going to be my purpose. So I initially started with like, I'm going to be a doctor and a coach, but because of. I felt like I found my passion in life.

I felt I found like my calling. So I was like, you know what, I'm going to give up a practicing as a, as a GP, as a doctor, and I'm going to do this full time. So now I have a full-time package to me, the one-to-one and a group coaching practice. And, um, yeah, it's so amazing. I love my job and it's the best thing ever.

So, wow. That's me. That is an amazing journey. So tell me, so you were a general practice. Yeah in England. Oh, okay. That's that's fantastic. So did you ever talk to women about weight loss when you were a GP or? Yeah. Yeah. It was so interesting because like, I used to talk about weightless walls all the time, and I felt like actually I've been a coach all my life because I used to coach them.

Like I would always run late and things like that in, in my sessions. I was like so involved and I used to feel a bit of shame because I was like, hold on, I'm teaching them about weight loss. I'm like coaching them through weight loss. And I wasn't losing weight myself as a, and I was an overweight doctor, which added another level of shame for me.

So yeah, I used to talk about this all the time, but it completely changed when I was able to add the coaching tools into the mix. Um, and so now you just got done with a slimmer for summer challenge. Didn't you. Yeah. Tell me a little bit about that. How was that? That was so fun. So I had, about 70 odd ladies come into the group.

And we were like, all together. We were like, coaching. I coached every day and I taught them something new every day. And then it was, the start of my may group coaching program, because that starts on the 4th of May. So, um, yeah, I felt so.

On it to be able to give my knowledge and my time and my expertise in something that is so important. Yeah, absolutely. And how do the women feel? I'm sure their self esteem and how they feel about themselves that I'm sure that improves and their self worth. So what are the common beliefs that you find in women that are trying to lose weight that are having a hard time losing.

Yeah. So the most common ones. It's just, there's something wrong with me because most people think, okay, you know what everyone else has their shit together, but I'm the only one who does it.

And then they think, oh, there's something wrong with me. I'm broken. I'm greedy or I'm lazy. They think that they need to exercise a lot to get there. Um, they think that I have to do re restrictive things and things like that to get there. They also think that as a south Asian woman, you need to have, have everything in place.

You need to be a good, daughter, a good daughter-in-law good wife, but mother, like all of it. If they're not able to look like the part, they feel a lot of shame about that. So that's a lot of what comes up when they first joined. Did they ever find that their families are supportive or unsupportive or, you know, do they have any issues with that?

Yeah, so most of the time they have issues with their families being unsupported, because there's such a stigma in the south Asian community. about talking about your thoughts and your feelings talking about. even talking about weight loss, because there's a kind of like, like you show your love with food.

Right. It's very much like here it's okay to be overweight because look, we're just showing our love. It's fine. This is normal. But to actually be overweight, it's kind of like, no, no, no, no. You should show your love with food, but also be the perfect slim Bollywood actress, you know, it's just nice.

Just not truly just another web like that. Right. So, yeah. And then have a lot of like, um, shame about that. There's also that stigma, like in the south Asian community, it's just something we don't talk about. Right? Thoughts, Phoenix. It's very much like law. They're going to be like, oh, you know, she's the one who, you know, is mad.

They'll say things like that. And so It's not normalized in our community. It's very much like, no, no, you shouldn't have a problem with it. And if you do have a problem with your thoughts or feelings, or if there's, you know, not even a problem, but if you're struggling with them, then that's bad and you shouldn't be basically.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And the problems with body image, you know, does that come up a lot? Yes, it comes up so often. So, um, a lot of the, my clients come to me because they think that there'll be better when they lose weight, they come hating their bodies. Right now, they come like, you know, thinking, you know what?

I am not worthy as I am right now. I need to lose weight to become worthy. And this is something that is like, Such an issue because the only way that you're actually going to start losing weight is to start loving and accepting your body right now. Right. And I know that that's probably coming up in, in your coaching as well.

Right? Like the body image issues. I know that that's probably quite linked, right? Yeah, absolutely. So, so it's, you know, I'm, um, I'm a sex coach. So a life coach that focuses on, you know, sexual intimacy in the bedroom and things like that, and absolutely one of the. Things, uh, issues that we go over with, uh, our patients and our clients is a body image, right?

That a lot of patients have feel that they're not attractive. And if they're a little bit overweight or something like that, then that absolutely impacts them, you know, outside of the bedroom, but also in the bedroom. And that's the huge, huge, problem that, you know, we have to overcome and take a look at those just as you were talking about the thoughts and the beliefs and.

To get unstuck. Right. And I think that's one of the biggest things with coaching is how do we get unstuck and how do we dispel the thoughts that we've been telling ourselves for so long? Right. And going on 30 years. And, um, and the stigma that you talk about, right? So there's a huge taboo, I mean, not just in our south Asian culture, but in society in general to talk about sex, right.

We don't, it's, it's definitely not encouraged. And you know, most, most people do not talk about it. And if they talk about it, maybe they'll talk about it with their gynecologist, but even then they don't. But unless the gynecologist brings it up and unfortunately, you know, we don't, I don't know how it is in England, but in at least with my medical school, we didn't learn that much about sex.

Right. Even after doing four years, Of residency in OB GYN. You know, we didn't have anything, we didn't have like extra sessions or knowledge about it. Um, and so if we learn about sex, it's through our own interests, through our own research, you know, that we do so. So it's absolutely a stigma. And it's very important though, for us to learn about our bodies and, uh, things that we find, That are pleasurable to us.

Right. And I think that female pleasure is absolutely, uh, not talked about. And it's always about the male pleasure and, you know, what's interesting a movie is that, you know, a lot of women and not just south Asian women to think of, you know, intimacy in the bedroom as, male pleasure. Right. And, or. And so when they think of that as something they have to do, then it's not necessarily something that women enjoy.

Right. And when you see it as a duty or something that you have to do, just like with weight loss, right. Something you have to do, then yes. Then it's already a mind block. It's already a mental block and you don't want to do it, and it's not going to be pleasurable. And in fact, it's going to be.

Right. Exactly. Especially when you're thinking I have to do it. I must do it to be a good wife or anything like that. Then just too much. It just think about it in your, in your self right now, when you're thinking that though, I have to do this to be a good wife. How does that feel? And my impression is that it's going to feel pressurizing.

And what are the actions you're going to take from the pressure? It's probably not, you're not going to like, enjoy it much. You're going to put even more pressure on yourself. You're going to like criticize yourself. And then you create the, the result of constantly like, proving that thought true that I need to keep doing this to be a good wife.

And you don't look for the ways that you are already a good wife like this. Unrelated to, you know, pleasuring your husband. Right. But also you don't allow yourself to enjoy it yourself because there's, as you said, that shame and stigma attached, right. And you're sitting there in weight loss because like the same shame and stigma and weight loss is the same as, as not talking about, you know, female pleasure in the bedroom.

It's very much like I should be a certain way. I shouldn't have to deal with this. I should have all of this figured out by now. I'm so successful in all other areas of my life. Why am I still struggling with this? And so it's that, that stigma as well of kind of like, so I think there's shame in both, right?

The talking about sex, but even talking about weight loss and that I'm struggling with this. So that often shows up in both. Right? Right. Absolutely. And just what you were talking about, you know, once we have that mental block, you know, how does our body react? Right. A lot of women experience vaginismus and what is causing this miss, right?

It's, it's the body's reaction to the anticipation of something, you know, vaginal penetration being uncomfortable and painful. Right. So already you're having those thoughts and then your body's reacting, and then it's going to be much more difficult. And then it's like a self fulfilling prophecy where it is going to be painful.

Right. And so definitely the way to overcome that is definitely. First, go see your gynecologist, make sure there's nothing organic. That's actually happening there. You can make sure that, you know, you don't have an infection, there's no inflammation or something else going on in the vagina, but after everything has been ruled out by the gynecologist, then we have to take a look at well, you know, what are your thoughts about this?

You know, are you already anticipating pain before the intimacy even happens or. You know, what is your mood? What, you know, do you feel like it's dirty? You feel like it's shameful. Do you feel guilty? Right? What are your feelings and thoughts around this? And then only after we start to unpack those layers, can you even enjoy something as you know, being intimate with your partner in the bed?

Exactly. And you said something really interesting, like what are your thoughts about it? And I think that shows up in, all areas of coaching as well. Right. Because. Even at weight weight-loss, if you are going in thinking you should be doing it, and then you're putting that pressure on yourself, it actually makes it physically harder for you to lose weight, because you're going to be raising your cortisol levels in your body.

And then when your cortisol levels are raised, your instance is going to be raised. And then it's going to be, you're going to be in fat storage mode rather than fat-burning mode. And so physically being stressed impacts so many other areas of your life, right? I thought it'd be like super interesting to kind of like look at okay.

The natural pleasures and then the false pleasure that we tend to go to instead. Right. Because that's an, oh, another thing between weight loss and, and, um, sex as well. Right. So, what I notice is that with regards to kind of like the natural pleasures, these are things that like, That there's no net negative when we actually experience them.

So things like, you know, intake food that's fuel for your body, drinking water, having sex, exercising, but not over-exercising, accomplishment. Uh, Love like, loving on someone, connecting with someone or cleanliness. All of these are natural pleasures that don't tend to have a net negative. But when we talk about the false pleasures, we talk about things that are very, very concentrated, what our brain's not used to experiencing.

So it may be. Very concentrated foods like sugar and flour, alcohol for you. I feel like in the, in the sex world, it's like watching porn, like a very concentrated form of, of natural, the sex. Right. And what tends to happen is whenever you go to the false pleasure, it's because you're thinking.

This is the only way for me to get it. And you get a huge, I mean, hit in your brain and it's like, oh my gosh, I need to have more and more and more of this. And then there's a net negative with the false pleasures, right? Like you may not be as connected with your partner or you may gain weight, or you may feel awful about yourself.

You may be addicted to the alcohol. Like there's always some sort of net negative with the false prejudice. But because as a society, we think we need to be happy with time. We don't appreciate the little dopamine hits we get with the natural pleasures. We think we need to be happy all the time.

So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to indulge in the false pleasures cause that's going to make me happy. But what really happens is it's just false happiness. It's the false. Yeah. So like Michael has to do is to kind of like, look at how can we, um, like decrease some of these false pleasures in our life and actually like rely on some of these natural pleasures as, because they just build on the each other.

Right. They just get better and better rather than having that net negative. Yeah. As you know, you are so correct when you talk about those false pleasures, especially regarding porn, right. We know that porn is absolutely addictive. We know that it ruins relationships and. Um, a lot of times it leads to erectile dysfunction, right?

So for example, you know, if a man is addicted to porn and watches it all the time, he may not be able to be intimate with this. Or in the bedroom. Right. And so then that results in a cycle where the woman feels like maybe she's not attractive enough. Maybe she's, you know, why is it that he's spending so much time watching porn and not with me?

And you know, what's wrong with me. And then you have all those body image issues and then, you know, self-loathing and all this stuff. So it's just like this perpetual cycle. And we know that porn addiction definitely leads to. Divorced, right. It can lead to us if it's, it turns into a problem where it starts to affect the marriage and definitely intimacy in the bedroom, which is a huge, so absolutely those false pleasures are real.

And until we start to experience the natural pleasures, you know, where it's going to definitely impact our marriages and our relationships. Absolutely. Yeah. And the thing is, I, I just want, like, whoever's listening to have like a little bit of compassion for themselves because we don't get taught in school that.

You know what these are, the natural pleasures. These are the false pleasures. That life is 50 50, right? That you have 50% positive emotion and 50% negative emotion. And that's actually the true human experience. We don't get taught any of these things from little when we're little, we're always trying to chase the pleasure that you just imagined, like a kid playing a video game and how they get like the dopamine hit galore when they're like, playing it.

Right. It's because. They've got a human brain too. And they want that dopamine hit in their brain because every time we get that dopamine hit, our brain thinks this is essential for my survival. I need to do more of it. So this is the reason why it's so addictive because. that's our brains chemistry.

So it's not, if you are doing it or if you are overeating or if you are watching porn or overshopping or over-drinking, whatever it may be. It's not because there's anything wrong with you or anything like that. It's just because of the way society has trained our brains to be like, we always should be happy all the time.

But when you start understanding that actually. To be a human I've got to embrace all the positive and all of the negative, then it just makes it a little bit more like, oh, negative emotion is normal in life. Okay. So when I'm feeling sad or stressed or anxious or guilty, whatever, it may be, nothing has gone wrong.

This is part of my human experience when we can accept that. That's when we can like, not trace the false pleasures the whole time. Right? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And you know, I think also something that you mentioned is that. Do change over time. Right? So the passion and the, just having an, of course, whatever you want, you know, may have been something that you did when you were younger, but as you get older and you get married, you know, you have kids, you have responsibilities, you know, you get tired things change and it's okay.

Right. That's okay. And it's, it's so important to accept that. And that, again, there's nothing wrong with that. It might just be that, you know, you need time and you have to actually schedule the time to be intimate with your partner. You may have to schedule a date night. You may have to, you know, ask somebody to watch the kids.

And we just have to accept just like what you're saying is that, you know, be kind to yourself, understand that things change as we get older, but that there are ways, you know, definitely to rekindle that relationship and that intimacy and that passion, you know, may need to schedule and be more mindful.

Yeah, and I love what you said. at the beginning, lik to this, that like, most people don't even allow themselves to enjoy it. And I think that, that goes back to the, what they've been taught as a child, right. Sex is 30 that I shouldn't be like enjoying this, that the only.

Reason I'm having sex is to actually recreate and like you have children and when I'm home, when I'm actually enjoying it, what does that, what do they make that mean about themselves? When we can deal with all of those thoughts that are actually holding them back, that's when they can actually start experiencing that actual true pleasure.

Right. So that's why this work is so important. So if clients, do you have that kind of thought, what kind of things do you, advise them in that kind of situation? so you start off with your sessions, you know, and we start to explore those thoughts. And a lot of times you find that those thoughts start from childhood, right.

And where do we get those thoughts from and what does it mean to them? And do you know, is there a different way of looking at it and is it only for. Procreation is it for something else that can, can we enjoy it without feeling bad about it? Can we enjoy it without feeling guilty? You know, is it really dirty or is it just something that we thought of because we don't talk about it because it's a taboo in society, you know?

So it's really unpacking those layers and trying to get to the bottom of those thoughts and those feelings, and then changing it, looking at it from a different perspective. So that. You know, sex or intimacy is no longer dirty. It's not shaming. Right. And if you have any problems with, lubrication or anything like that, that there's no shame in it, right.

Things change as we age, as we, as you. And I both know as we get older, you know, the estrogen decreases. Right. So there might be some issues with lubrication. And if you need to say like an external lubricant, like a K Y jelly or Astroglide or something like that, there's, there's no shame in that as well.

Right. So, and I mentioned this actually in one of my tick boxes, just because, you know, somebody gets lubricated during intimacy. May not mean that she's aroused or if she's not able to doesn't mean she's not aroused, right? So that there's no correlation between the two of them. And so it's always important to rule out any organic causes or things that might be causing problems, but once that's all ruled out, then again, it goes back to those thoughts and why we feel certain things, right.

It all starts with our, with our thoughts, which then turn into feelings with, you know, turned into our beliefs and then our actions. So it's starting to go back up the ladder and trying to see, you know, where this all began. And if we can change perspective, I love what you said about that. Cause it just something triggered in my brain.

So when you said rule out the organic causes first, so make sure there's not anything medical going on and all of my clients in weight loss, like what just triggered for me was they assign them not losing weight to being post-menopausal or going through the menopause or having hypothyroidism or diabetes or some sort of like condition that, Prevents them from losing weight.

And what I normally say to them is, yes, these things may impact your weight loss, but that's not the full story. And even if you have these things that there's still going to be something that we can do to help with that, because a lot of what you're experiencing is your interpretation of that, your thoughts about that.

So even if you do have, you know, some sort of medical condition that is stopping you, I'm sure you find that with your clients. Definitely like, even if they do have vaginismus or some sort of like, you know, some sort of problem that needs medical treatment. This still the element of let's find out what your thoughts are about it, because that is going to greatly impact how you perceive it and your experience of it.

Right? Absolutely. Absolutely. And they even say that with like cancer survivors, right? Like a lot of it has to do with your mental wellbeing. Right. So yes, those patients have cancer, but you know, those patients that have a positive outlook and a positive. Are able to recover better. Right. Then, then that have deemed themselves, as you know, I'm never going to get better.

Forget it. This is not going to work. And I think you and I talked about that before, right? Like weight loss and same thing with intimacy, right? Like thinking of that, you know what, forget it. It's never going to change for me. You know, I'm too old. This is too much. This is too hard. It's not worth it. You know, I don't even enjoy.

Painful. It's shameful. It's dirty. It's, you know, it's just not worth it. Or, you know, even when it comes to regarding female pleasure about orgasm, you know, I don't even know what that is, you know, it's never going to happen. What is, you know, it's not for me, it's for him, you know, all of those things that we tell ourselves.

So that is just not a pleasurable experience and there's no joy in it. Right. And I think also, that leaks to like, I need to lose weight to become worthy. I need to kind of like, you know, make sure that I'm like a certain way because only then will I approve of myself and others approval to me?

Yes. What we do in coaching and in sex coaching and in weightless coaching, it's all the same thing we're looking at. Okay. What are the reasons why you're thinking this? Why is that showing up for you? Where did this start from and how can we. Just change the way we're thinking about it in a certain, like in a slight way, it doesn't have to be like going from, I hate my body to, I love my body.

It may just be, this is one thing that I like about my body. It may not be like something that drastic, but only even if when you just make a slight change, it will change like the whole. Where you start looking at it and when your brain gets used to doing that in one area, it will start doing it in other areas as well.

Right? Yup, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think, you know, body image plays such a big role in every facet of our life. Right. So definitely outside of the bedroom, how we view most, but within, inside the bedroom, I, if you're, if you're having body image issues, if you think that you're not attractive, right. And that you're hating yourself, then it's unlikely that you're going to want to be intimate with your.

Because you don't think that you're worthy and you don't think that you're beautiful or attractive. And then you're probably thinking that your partner's not thinking that you're attractive either. So then, you know, it's just the status quo and you're not going to be intimate and you're not going to enjoy it.

And, and that's just the way it's going to be. Yeah. Definitely one of the most common things that comes up on a consult. So when people come and kind of see whether they want to stop coaching, they often say that they really want to change the way they have that like intimate relationship with their partner.

And They often have the thought that when I become slimmer, then, I will feel more confident and I just, I just have to let them know that actually the, you know, their body is not creating their confidence and actually it's their. About their body. And so their body doesn't need to change for them to feel better.

They can choose to think of their body in a certain way. Now it feels really hard at first because all of us, we think that this is just how it is. It's not like we're choosing these tools. Why would we ever choose thoughts that are, you know, harsh for ourselves? You know, if we had to choose that, but I just want you to say that their subconscious thoughts.

Often don't even know that way, like feeling this way that we're thinking this until we get coach, which is the value of having a coach, right? Like someone who will show you your mind when you aren't even aware of what you're thinking at the moment. Right. And so when you're able to access some of those subconscious thoughts, that they're the ones that are normally the ones that have been from childhood or something that has happened where it is triggered, like as a child, if you think about this, you put two and two together.

With the information that you had, like, of course you, this is the only thing that you thought was, was right at that age. Right? And so when you make these thoughts in your earlier life, it could be even in adult life, when you assign these things, then of course your brain is going to keep going back. So on consults, what we have to talk about is yes, of course, you're thinking this, but your body does not need to change the only way for you to actually start losing weight or be comfortable with being intimate is to start loving your body right now as it is.

Yes. Yes. And you know what I think. Absolutely. And you know what, I think what you said, which was so important is that it's a choice. Right. We choose to think certain ways, you know, and that actually is, what's so empowering, right? Because it's a choice. If it's not like it's something that cannot change it's us, that needs to change our thoughts.

So it's, it's a choice that we make. We can either. Stay as we are and not be happy and not like anything about ourselves, or we can choose to love ourselves the way we are right now. And then once we start doing that, then we'll see that things start to change for us automatically. Right. Yeah. And I think that that is something really, really important.

What you do. Yeah. And I think how that kind of like relates to both aspects is that when we actually give ourselves the permission to start enjoying ourselves, like most of my clients think weight loss is going to be so hard because like they've always tried so many drastic things. It's always made them feel deprived and there that's just the thing that they've been on.

They anticipate that it's going to be like that. But when you start. You know, having a bit of fun with it and kind of being like, how can I actually make this? So it's not like I'm going to have my own back regardless. So how can I actually start enjoying the process and won't drain weight and also enjoying like sex?

Isn't it the most amazing thing? Yes, yes, absolutely. Right. And then, you know, Creative. Right. You get either in the bedroom or you got creative outside of the bedroom with food and different things and you start to experiment and then you actually start to enjoy yourself. And I think that's the biggest thing is, you know, a choice, the choice that we make and how we decide that we want to see ourselves and how we want to show up.

And I think one of the blocks that, um, that actually come up there is that all or nothing thinking. Right. So what I tend to tend to see with my clients. They think, okay. I need to fully stick to my protocol. I need to fully like, you know, be perfect at this weight loss thing. And only then will I lose the weight?

And if I don't, then it's completely like I failed. So I might as well eat all the things. And so all or nothing thinking is that, problem type thinking where you're thinking either in black reader and white? Yeah. And that probably shows up in, in, in, um, sex coaching as well. Right? Like I'm intimate or I'm not, or I've, I've done, you know, I've done my duty or I haven't.

Right. So those kinds of thought patterns were sharp in all areas. So why you normally tell my clients is that what are the shades of gray in between? Like, there's, you know, if it's not just black or white, just give me like five potential shades of gray in between. And that really gets their mind. How have the all or nothing and into like, oh, okay.

Maybe there's other ways in between that haven't even considered. How can I have compassion for myself and think, well, maybe it's like, I funded my, my approach called 90% of the time, but only 10% of the time I went off and I'm human. So of course, I'm going to go off protocol sometimes even as a white house coach, Hey, I still don't read sometimes.

Like it doesn't like, you know, it's not going to be perfect by the end of it. But when you have that compassion for yourself, Listen, I'm not going for perfection, but I'm going to celebrate the things that I am doing and look for the things that I am doing. Then you can access the shades of gray in between.

Right? I love it. I love what you just said about the shades of gray in between. And I think that's a hundred percent of it regarding intimacy, right? It's not all about. Vaginal. And of course there's so many things you could, you could hug your partner. You could tell them that you love them. You could give them a loving kiss.

You could look at them, you know, with affection, you could buy them something. You could go on a walk with them. There's so many ways to create intimacy that it's not just all in. Right. Yeah. Those shades of gray that you talk about, there's so many ways to have that connection. And I think with women, we desire that emotional connection, right?

Not just about having sex, cause I'm sure, you know, if it's not happening in the bedroom of women can go off and have sex with anyone. Right. But it's about that emotional connection. That they have with somebody, right? So it's a deeper meaning and there's so many ways to create that, that not just all or nothing.

And I think great what you said, because it applies both to, you know, weight loss, and also to intimacy. I love what you said that, um, about like it's the emotional connection. And I love like, you know, I teach my, my, my clients self coaching model, which is where, you know, you have facts in the world and then you have a thought about those facts, which makes you feel a certain way.

Then you end up taking actions from that place and then those create your results. So in essence, your thoughts create your results because you can control the thoughts, feelings, actions, and results, but you just can't control the facts, basically that. In the world, right? So when you say to that, you get a choice, it's your choice, how you want to feel, and if you want to create that emotional connection, you get to put anything you want in the feeding line of the model then.

Right. So if you want it to feel connected, what would be really useful is to, is to think, okay, what would I need to think about my part. To feel connected. Yes. When I feel connected, then what actions am I going to take? And then what result is that going to take for me? So for example, I'll just, just give an example of one of my clients who talks about like, you know, wanting to feel more close to her husband as well.

when she's wanting to feel connected, she may think, I love my husband. No, Which makes her feel connected, which makes her take the action of giving him a hug every day. Making sure that when, the kids have gone to bed that she like, you know, has 10 minutes talking to him and she may just like give him a kiss before he leaves for work.

Even though it doesn't seem like it's intimacy, it's still them having that emotional connection, which then creates the result of her loving him no matter what, because she decided that that's what she wants to choose to think in the first place. Absolutely. Yes. Now I think that, you know, that is so correct.

I mean, it's, it's amazing right? When we schedule in that time to. Connect with our partner, even if it's at the end of the night, right. You schedule in like this 15 minutes and just check in and see how the other person is doing. And you know, all the things that we need to feel that emotional connection that's automatically going to result in intimacy when you find love and that connection with your spouse or your partner.

We just celebrated 10 years with my husband at drink night. Woo. It was so nice. And I was just thinking like before this call, how do we still keep the spark alive, even though it's been like 10 years, we've got two kids. They're both young kids. They keep us busy and I was just.

Every single day we have, a connection time where we just like, you know, every day we'll have like, I'm a hugger. So I like to hug her at least three or four times a day. And sometimes he's even like, okay, come on. Like, I got to go on a meeting. Just let me get my connection that way. It's just also thinking in the evenings when he's having his porridge.

And I'm like doing my thought download, we then chat. And like, we just catch up and it's so fun. Like we just like goof around or just to have like some time where we're just chatting. So even if it's not. Full-on intimate relationship. Like of course we have that too. That's amazing too. It's like, even if it's not all the time, you still have the thing that Creates that emotional connection for you and you should find what works for you.

And I love that. I'm like, so I'm so grateful that we still have that spot even 10 years on. And I just want you to say it's completely possible for anyone, right? Yes. Yes. You know, I, uh, there was the same ones that I read and they said that, uh, the grass is greener where. Oh, I love that. Yes. And so that's so applicable to relationships, right?

I mean, the more we water, the more we nurture our relationships, the better they're going to get, and it's going to be in and out of the bedroom and things will change. Right. Things will change as we get older, but that's okay. Yeah, normal part of getting older and maturing and realizing that our priorities changed and, but always making that time for ourselves that time to connect and have that emotional connection is really what adds the beauty to relationships.

Um, and I also noticed that, you may think that, okay, after listening to this call, you may be like, oh my gosh, I don't have that where I think there's no shame in that. Like you can all be cultivated and it all starts off with a small stack with you deciding that this is what I would like.

And you can control your partner or you can't control what other people are going to say to you in your weight loss journey. But what you can control is what you are thinking, how you are showing up , in this. Right. And so you could just decide. You know what I have probably going to want to give up so many times on this journey, this is normal.

I've got a human brain. Remember that human brain wants me to seek pleasure, avoid pain and stay how I am. It's very easy for me to not get intimate with my partner or not decide to lose weight and deal with the discomfort. But I choose like, when you think of that desire that you want, that, that long-term like intimate relationship.

Connected relationship with your partner. Are you willing to go through the discomfort, the initial discomfort for that, with the weight loss, are you willing to, you know, fear your churches and pay attention to your hunger and actually plan your food, even when you don't want to, when you have that thought at the beginning that yes, I'm choosing this then even when you have the obstacles along the way, do you want to give up so many times along the way?

Those whys, those reasons why you want to do this, they will help anchor you. To remind yourself of, okay, this is why I want to do this. Right. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it just all goes back to choice. Right. And, just how empowering that is for anyone listening is that it's our choice, right? It's not things.

Happened to us. I mean, like you said, there are facts in the world and those, you know, we cannot control, but we can control our thoughts and how we behave toward whatever it is that's happening. And to know that the only person that we have any authority over or that we can control is ourselves. Right.

And that becomes twice. So you can choose. To, you know, want to lose weight. And then slowly, like you said, there's lots of areas of gray, right? Things don't have to be all or none, and they don't have to be perfect right. In the beginning, it's a journey and it takes some time and same thing with intimacy, right?

The journey it takes time. But the first step is just to make that choice that you want different. And then you take steps to. Yeah. And even if you're listening and you're thinking, Hey, this thoughts feeling stuff sounds super wishy-washy. I don't know if this is for me. I watch, I want you to just give it a goat because where do you kind of like, let me just experiment with it.

Let me just see how it works. It may just be you doing a thought, download a day, writing down what you're thinking right now. You may do it on your weight loss journey. You may do it on your, you know, your intimacy with your partner, whatever. Goal that you want to achieve. You may do it on that. And then just, just see, like, what are you currently thinking about that when you're thinking this way, is this this thinking, going to get you to where you want to go?

And if it isn't just question, why, what would I need to change? Just try it. Like maybe just change one thought and see how that changes for you, because it may sound wishy-washy trust me. When I started, I was like, Hey, I'm a doctor. I don't know what all these thoughts and feelings stuff is. And I had a degree in psychology.

I loved that stuff. And even then, It was really skeptical, but like when you really get into it, you just realize the magic of the mind and you just realize, oh my gosh, the mind is so much more powerful and flexible and everything than I ever imagined. Really. Yes. And you know, when you say, when you talk about the mind, you know, I just, I went to a lecture once and, one of the most important things that, the lecturer said that during that was that the brain is the biggest sexual organ.

Yes, same thing. The brain is the biggest way. Good. And it's, it's just amazing. When we realized that we have so much control over our thoughts and our feelings, we can really change things, right. And that's what coaches come in, coaches help clients to see that and to help them on their journey and to hold their hand while they're going through that journey.

Because in the beginning it's going to be painful. It's going to be hard. And then there's, you know, there's. But then, then you start to process those feelings and then, and then it's not so uncomfortable anymore. Yeah. Because when you learn how to process those feelings, remember feelings that just like vibrations in your body created by sentences.

Your thoughts. So when you can start identifying those thoughts and feeling those emotions, you don't don't need to escape. You don't need to escape to buy with overeating or over-drinking or watching porn or any of that. You don't need to escape the actual physical sensations in your body because you learn how to feel them.

And you learn that. Oh, okay. These are just meant to be part of my human existence. So what I tell my clients is whenever they are feeling like they want to like escape, it's just a signal from their body to pay attention. To actually go inwards into their body and see what is, what Sigma is my body trying to tell me right now.

And often, because they're so conditioned to overeat or overspend or whatever it may be that they're kind of avoidance behavior they're are conditioned to do that. So when that urge comes to overeat, like, just ask yourself that question. What is this here to tell me? And that will change everything. Yes.

Yes, no, absolutely. It's so important to just pay attention to what's going on, right. And what those thoughts are, and, and if you need to change them, then how do we take the. Yeah, right. So what, why don't we talk about like changing our thinking? The first step is being aware of our thinking. So even just like in a thought download, when you're doing a thought download, you can start being aware or having coaching.

You can start being aware most of the time when you're doing both together, that's really effective. So the first step is awareness. So being aware of what is my brain currently thinking and believing that. The next step is acceptance. So you want to actually accept your current reality because when you resist against it, you're always going to want to seek those false pleasures to make you feel better.

But when you just accept that, okay, this is just what my brain is offering me right now. Nothing has gone wrong. It's completely fine. Then you can accept that. Then you can say, is this thought serving me, like, is this really getting me to the result that I want to? And if it isn't, what can I choose to think?

But is even 1% better than, than what I'm currently thinking. And then you practice believing. So the steps are awareness, acceptance, deciding if it's serving you, seeing whether you want to keep that thought and choosing another thought that will serve you better and then practice, it's just repeating.

So when every time that thought comes up in your brain, you redirect your brain to the new thought that you want to think, because what is a belief it's just a neural pathway that, that, uh, is just a thought that you've kept thinking again and again and again. So if that belief was formed, then you can just as easily.

Unravel that belief and form a new belief that you want to. So what you want to do is create a belief that will then be assigned to your primitive brain, that habit part of your brain. So that becomes a new way of thinking, which is how you've changed beliefs. Ah, that's beautiful. I don't know if you saw this question since you're the psychology major, I'm going to ask you.

So does cognitive diffusion assist with such thinking or overthinking. So would you just mind telling me what you mean by cognitive diffusion? , I'm not sure if it's kind of cognitive behavioral therapy, that you is the same thing as cognitive diffusion, but we don't call it cognitive diffusion here.

So if you don't mind just kind of like elaborating on that for me, then I will definitely be able to help you with that. But. If that is, hold on. Let me just see if they have typed anything. Okay I'm just going to talk about cognitive behavioral therapy. Cause that's, that's what we call it in the UK. If that's what, you're, what you'd mean, uh, helps with the thinking or the overthinking. So yes, cognitive behavioral. Or any therapy in general will help with the thinking with the overthinking.

Now what the difference between therapy and coaching is that therapy normally gets you from a place in your life where you're not functioning at your normal level to a place where you all function at your normal level and coaching gets you to a place from where you're functioning normally to, excelling or, living the best form of the life that you want to live in that area.

And the other difference between coaching and therapy is that with therapy, you're often focusing on things that have happened in the past and trying to heal some of the traumas from the past. And in coaching, we do a little bit of that, but what we normally do is focus on the present and the future.

So it's often future focused. So, that is often the difference. So if there are any other further questions, then make sure you just type them in and I'll go back in to the chat afterwards and, and art. Oh, yeah. So I think, you know, I think that's one of the most important things that you just talked about is what the difference between therapy and coaching. Right? Sometimes people think that coaching is therapy and it's, and it's actually not. Coaching is more about moving the client forward and achieve goals.

And it's not about the thing in the past. Whereas therapy tends to heal the traumas in the past. So that's a really big and important difference and it's not mentoring and it's not consulting. Coaching is. Definitely it's based as well. A lot of people think, oh, it sounds very wishy-washy and everything like that.

There's lots of articles. Now that proved that coaching helps, rewire the brain. And so that's what we're doing really. So it's actually very scientific because what we're doing is deconditioning old thoughts that are no longer serving us and creating new neural pathways. So it is scientifically backed as well.

And actually what I think is, if you have a brain. You need to have a life coach, like, you know how every one who has teeth goes to see the dentist. It's like everyone who has a brain will have a life coach in 10 years. So why not join the wagon now? Like, why not start now? Cause then you've got 10 years of like loving your life and actually enjoying it as opposed to thinking of what you do.

Right. Absolutely. And you had mentioned something about, people thinking about the cost of getting a coach and we also can take a look at the cost of staying where you are right now. Right. And how many people have stayed and say a Loveless marriage, you know, whose their duty or, you know, not.

Intimacy because they just never enjoyed it. Never found pleasure in it, thought it was dirty, shameful, painful, you know, what, what is that cost right. To your relationship? And if those same thoughts and behaviors, what does that, what does that gonna look like 10 years down the line, right. Will you still eat that?

Right? So is that caused more, you know, important or the cost of getting a coach? I think that that's really important and same thing with weight loss, right? I talk to my clients about this all the time and often because they're so in the now and also because there's a lot of scarcity thinking, so scarcity is like, when, oh, I don't have enough money or I need to hold onto my money.

Otherwise it will go away. The same thing shows up in weight loss. So like, oh, I need to, um, eat the food. Otherwise I'm going to feel hungry later. Or if I don't have it now, I'll miss out. It shows up in time in relationships, all of that. Right. So when you are having that form of thinking in one area, then you're going to have it in all other areas.

So of course, you're going to think it's too expensive because you've never spent that kind of money on a coach. You've not seen what it could do, but when you're looking at like, okay, what is the impact on me in 10 years time, if I don't do this now, What is the impact, even in six months time, if I don't do this now, then you'll start realizing that there's a cost involved when you don't take action as well.

And actually that cost is not just. It's like an emotional cost. It's like you basically not living into the true potential of what you can be. Right. And yeah. As you said, living in a Loveless marriage, or kind of like being in a body that you, that you hate when you could start loving it right now, like why would you want to wait if you're thinking that yes, I would like some help with this.

Then the time to act is right now, Otherwise, you just keep procrastinating your goals. Right? Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that that's so important and that's what coaching does, right? It's the future. Thank you. It's the future forward. And we're always looking forward and seeing how we can improve, you know, our client's lives and it's the investment in yourself.

And, and you, are worth it? Because a lot of my clients have self-worth issues. They think, no, no, it's selfish to spend this much money on me. I can't spend all of this time on me because I need to spend it with my kids or my partner or, you know, work or whatever it may be. And why do I say to them is that when you are investing in yourself the time, money, energy, all of that, when you're investing in yourself, you're going to be showing up as an even better mum is isn't even better like employee as an even better partner.

And only when you heal that relationship with your own self, will you be able to show up as the mum, the wife, you know, that you want to be. Like I made, I see my own coaching journey when I was able to allow myself to have some self care every day and get coached and, you know, follow my plan and have some me time on my own with no regrets.

Then I was able to really be present with my kids and laugh and just have fun with them rather than shout at them all the time. So when you're not giving yourself that it will end up showing up in other relationships. And so that's the reason to take action now. So you can he'll that relationship to yourself.

Right. And show up in your best right. Show up your back and to yourself and to others and be able to love yourself better. Right. And that's the one thing, what you just said, I think is that heal that relationship with yourself. And I think that's key and that starts with the thoughts, right? What are we telling ourselves?

What are we saying to our. Right. And it just keeps going again. And again, like when you actually say something out loud, it's only because you've been thinking that thought a hundred times in your brain. So that's why it's so powerful with a coach, because what you say to a coach, you've been thinking a hundred times in your brain already.

So that neural pathway is already. So when you actually say that to your coach, you need to say it as if it's a fact, but your coach will be able to pick up on, oh, hold on. This is the painful thought that is creating the results right now. So when we can dismantle this thought and see how is a different way of, well, how else can we think about it?

That's the beauty of having a coach, right? Because they can see things that you may not be aware of, that your brain is just not even going to be aware of. It thinks it's a fact. Yes. Yes. So I'm Ruthie, I think we're approaching the hour and I want to keep you too long, but tell our viewers how they can get in touch with you.

If they want to schedule weight loss. Oh, I would be honored to be your coach. So you can go to the link in my bio, or you can go to my website, www dot I'm, Rooty coaching.com. And currently I'm enrolling for the may group coaching program and I help women, gain freedom from food because they have been kind of in this, Food controls me for so long.

And so this will just help you get freedom from food and lose weight permanently and never have to worry about your weight ever again. So yeah, you can go to my website. it's www dot I'm beauty coaching.com/group. If you would like to.

Awesome. Well, thank you so much, you and I can connect to again, and it's amazing, right? All of the similarities between intimacy and weight loss. Yeah, how we can help both of those issues through coaching. Definitely. So, um, Dr. Sadaf I think we'll probably put this on my podcast as well.

So do you mind telling my listeners, how they can get in contact with you as well? Because, I know that the south Asian women will love your Muslim sex podcast and, would love to connect with you to get sex coaching. Yes, absolutely. So you can go on doctors. Dot com and there's my website and my email.

So definitely they can reach out to me on there, or they can schedule some coaching sessions. Also I'm on Tik, TOK and Instagram at Dr. Sadaf, OB GYN. And you can always send me a DM, but the best way is probably my doctor set up.com and that's where you can schedule a consult. Amazing. Thank you so much.

It's been so fun to talk to you today and hopefully we can do some more sessions in the future. Yeah. To, I love to thank you so much, Dr. Lodhi Thanks again. Appreciate it. 📍 Bye-bye.